Feeding Anxiety

I just feel like I need to be writing right now in order to get all the gunk out of my mind and soul which is heavy. I feel like I’m spiraling and I don’t want to spiral but I’m stuck in this spider's web of responsibility, loneliness, hurt, and anxiety and I can’t get out. Rather I’m wrapped up in the spider’s silky threads, they encompass me in a forceful hug, pinning my limbs at my side. Immobile I lie simply watching, and waiting, and waiting for the spider to come and get me. 

He is large and hungry and wants to devour me. But before he attacks me, he leaves me to suffer. Forcing me to wait. It’s his favorite war tactic. Trapped in his web of deceit I hear whispers that sound like my own voice, tell me I’m worthless. Laughs echoing in the leafless trees, their voices menacing and sharp. I know the bad thing is going to come and get me but I don’t know when.

I’m trapped I can’t be set free. I’m forced to sit alone in this dark cobweb of emotions and imagine what is to come. What will he look like this time. Will his pinchers be dripping with the blood of his past victims? Will he smile when he sees me cry from fear? I feel his breath warm on my neck, I hear a stick snap, yet all I see is darkness. I wish I could stare at him in the eyes. See the fuzzy hair on his legs and realize he’s not the monster that my mind pictures him to be.

But no, he forces me to wait. He’ll never come. He wants to make my head feel light and make my stomach queasy. He wants me to believe that I am walking on a minefield and that there could be an explosion at any moment. He wants me to panic, writhe in the pain of the unknown. The more anxious I feel, the more he grows. He feeds on my fear, on my anxiety, it is what sustains him. My heart pounds, I feel the blood pulse in each vein. My mind races, sweat gathers on my brow. I begin to breathe quickly. My entire body is saying go run, but run from what? I can’t run away from myself, my mind, a non-existent threat, a creature who only threatens my sanity. I can’t run away from the people and problems in my life. I could try, but I don’t think that would end up very well. They would just follow me, chase me, which would make me want to run even faster. 

Well if I can’t run, I’ll hide. Retreat into a dark corner, become invisible. I fold into myself. Become an impenetrable fortress. If I detach myself from everything and everyone that surrounds me—nothing can hurt me. I can retreat into sleep into the silence of my mind. A darkness that brings me peace for there I am finally at rest. I am no longer running from him. Nothing exists, nothing but blackness and silence. I’ll pretend that everything is fine even though there is a war going on inside of me. This is a much better strategy than running. Based off experience, typically, people believe it. Plus, if I get down to the really gritty part of it, most people that surround me, minus a select few, really don’t give a shit about how I’m actually doing. So if I tell them at all is fine, they’ll believe me. It’s easier that way. We surround ourselves with people that we know won’t act, that won’t catch onto my little signs that I’m sending out that are saying: SOS, I’m not fine. I’m drowning here. I need help. Someone please help me! Rather, they’ll just smile and walk away.  It’s plausible deniability. Bodies that inhabit spaces and roles in life, someone to smile to at work, someone to get notes from when you’re ill. But these bodies that inhabit most of my day, they don’t want to hear the truth—that somethings wrong. That would break everyone’s facade.

And E is gone. I need to let him be gone. I need to allow him to have fun in Ohio. But damn is that hard for me. The person that I rely on the most isn’t here. I feel like I’m stranded in a jungle, lost. I’m turning around and I’m just met with more greenery. Everything looks the same, I’m walking in circles going nowhere and I can scream and cry and yell but there is no one coming for me. I’m just abandoned in this forest all by myself and I’m going to have to face what lurks in the shadows alone.  

I don’t want to be that ‘needy’ girl that keeps reaching out and annoying him. The couple times I have reached out to him, he hasn’t responded to me. I think that’s because he wants to experience Ohio and leave home behind, but I can’t have him leave me behind too. That is a thought that is too much for me to bear.

And then there is P.

Damn him. I honestly don’t even have words for all the feelings I feel about him. I really do like him as a person, I think he’s great. I care about him. I think he’s a wonderful person. I felt like he understood me, or at least parts of me. I felt that he could have been really been someone important in my life and then he just up and left me. Because that’s what everyone in my life does— everyone leaves me.

I’m disposable. I’m not meant to be kept around long term. I’m either too much of a hassle, overwhelming, too intense, too deep and just a bother. Or I meant just to be a fun time not deep feelings at all.

There is no balance. I find that there are few that really care. 

And yes I get it, okay, my life is challenging, more so than a regular person’s. It’s a ‘lot’. It’s ‘overwhelming’. I’ve really heard it all. But goddamnit I need people too. I want a life too. I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t help the way that I am. It just is what it is. I was born this way: with this broken body, a deceitful mind, and overly caring heart. The best why that I can think to describe it is that I’m a person that feels deeply, that gets attached quickly, I’m loyal, I’m empathic, loving, strong, brave, smart, funny and kind--these are all of my good traits. But underneath all of that lies this other girl the one inside me that I try to push away, to pretend like she doesn’t exist. Sometimes I wish I could kill her. She’d be better off if sher were dead this little pathetic girl. That’s what she is--she’s a little girl. She sits in a corner of my soul, her knees pulled up to her chest and she is constantly in a state of fear.

She believes there are monsters in her closet.