A Queen’s Decree

I can feel the hurricane swelling up inside of me. Outside there is sunshine and the birds are singing but in the depths of my soul the sky is a murky purple, rain pours, and lighting flashes in angry spells. The wind howls signaling a shift, it’s a cosmic, ground-breaking shift that cannot be ignored. It will rip through the surface of the dirt breaking up the soil creating chasms where the once was solid ground.

Uncertainty. 

I’ve begun to notice a pattern. No matter what happens in my life, no matter who I date, no matter how bad our relationship seems to get—I always turn back to: X. For the longest time, we really were just friends that had one time had a brief romantic entanglement but now I truly feel there is a shift between us. That what was once just a friendship with a complicated history has blossomed into something much more precious and life-giving. It’s almost like that night four years ago this small mustard seed was planted and now it has finally finished growing into this large and lush tree that is strong and can weather the storms that are thrown its way. It’s roots are deep in the ground, they are settled, intertwined with the dirt and thus unshakable. Likewise, I feel like X is rooted in me—we have become unshakable to the judgement of others. 

I’ve always loved him, like a sister loves a brother. A little bit beyond friendship but I’ve never truly felt in love with him but recently I feel this stirring in my heart. This yearning to want to just be with him. Just to have him next to me while I read a book and he’s looking through videos on his phone. I long for him to hold me at night when my anxiety becomes so overwhelmingly large that I can’t sleep. When I feel like the darkness is going to consume me, I want to be consumed by his arms—and feel locked in that safety and comfort. I don’t desire these things from anyone else. I don’t seek comfort from my other friends because I know that they won’t be able to comfort or love me like he does. 

There is that word again love. 

Is it possible to fall in love with someone and not even know that you did? Is it possible for two people to love one another and have never told each other? From my experience, the answer seems to be yes. I don’t understand how it happens though. Or that once there is that awakening, why it can’t be acknowledged. 

It is truly hurting me and I think that he would feel awful if he knew that right now he was hurting me through his silence but he his. This silence is like a stone wall. Am I supposed to tear it down brick by brick on my own? Is that even what he desires? It’s like we are speaking two different languages and no matter how hard we try we’ll never fully understand what the other one is saying. Not until one of us surrenders. Surrendering is scary—it’s lying belly side up with all your fleshy parts exposed and saying here I am while the other holds a knife and decides whether or not to keep you alive. 

But this game is one played by children and I’m afraid that I’ve outgrown that game. Yet, I also find something so comforting in the familiarity of this game that I’ve played for most of my life but I know that I’ll never emerge as the winner. I want to protect my heart. Protect my innocence, my childlike qualities but one day a princess has to become a Queen. We can’t all live in a fantasy land, filled with fairies, knights, princes, and magic forever. The Queen must take responsibility for her Kingdom for herself, for her people, for her destiny. She must speak into the deafening silence that is screaming at her—she must make a decree. 

Here is my decree: I think I might be falling in love with my best friend. 

I don’t know if he loves me back. I feel like he does. But we are a couple of mimes trying to communicate how we feel each one of us refusing to cut the stitches that we have sewn on our mouths to keep the truth from escaping. I need him to speak. I need him to respond to me when I reach out to him. Even over silly matters. When he doesn’t my world doesn’t make sense to me. I almost don’t know where I belong. I don’t know where to turn to because my first instinct is to turn to him and so when that door is closed I wander around like a blind person in the darkness continually bumping into things—begging for help and direction, or for someone to let me into their home. 

How are you supposed to live without the one person that sees you. That sees through the smile to the brokenness that lies beneath. That values you for who you are, quirks and hobbies. Who doesn’t put you down but sees value in what you love to do. Are you just supposed to let that person walk right out of the front door? 

I’m lost in this. I have no answers. 

I don’t know whether I should speak or if my persistence would scare him away to retreat further into himself. He is a withdrawaler, especially when it comes to me and I am a reacher-outer. I feel like I should let him come to me but that is so hard to do and there is that fear that he will never come and that I will be left alone in this wet, cold, darkness with these voices laughing at me. Telling me I was a foolish young girl who is ignorant to the world around her. I also find it unfair that I have to push back my feelings in order for his to become fully realized. It truly makes me feel helpless. Like that little princess locked in a tower when I really am the Queen ready to make decrees for her people. 

I can surely say that people and relationships are complex and I for one am no expert. 

All I ask is that God, you will guide me through. That you will point me to the right man. That you will open up X’s heart to the possibility of a relationship with both me and You my Lord. Lord you are my Savior, my Father, my Redeemer, and Friend. I place all my trust and love in you. You have put this man in my life for a reason and I pray that you will reveal that reason to me. Give me strength and courage and help me do all things to Your Glory.